Ever since Stephen Colbert announced his presidential campaign (in South Carolina) the speculation has been intense over whether or not I will be his running mate. I’ve been speculating about it all day. So will I run? Like Colbert, my home state is South Carolina. For over 300 years my family has been farming the state, selling the tobacco, running the libraries, delivering the babies and reporting the news. I’d bring geographic balance to the ticket. I’ve lived in Spartanburg, Columbia AND Charleston (Colbert has only lived in Charleston). My presence as Colbert’s vice-presidential candidate would also bring unusual good looks (as compared to say Dennis Kucinich) and intellectual heft (compared to say Dennis Kucinich) to the campaign. It is true that I’ve lived in Oregon since I was about 11 but I’ve spent plenty of summer vacations in the Palmetto State and know some of the best
bars around Five Points beaches in the state. I own not one but two copies of Hootie and Blowfish’s first album. What I’m saying is that I’m prepared to lead on Day One of a Colbert-Currie Administration. How does all of this relate to my previous announced support of Barack Obama’s candidacy? Well, like Colbert, I’m not willing to let commitments get in the way of my lust for power (or a Doritos contract). Morals will never stop me on the road to the White House. In short, I’d make a perfect successor to the incumbent vice-president. So if Colbert asks, I will serve. Our country doesn’t deserve me but I deserve a private air force jet, a nice car and driver and the legal authority to wire tap your phone.