I Will Not Be John Kerry's Running Mate

Whatever rumors you’re hearing I want to set the record straight and say that I most likely will not be John Kerry’s running mate. Sure, there are obvious reasons to pick me. I’ve got roots in Oregon (a Western swing state) and ties to Missouri (another mid-West swing state where I attend seminary). Yes, my boyish (some might say Kennedy-like) good looks and relative youth (just turned 35 this year so I’m constitutionally qualified) could be factors that would help out an old man like Kerry on the campaign trail. Tickets are also about a balancing of skills. Kerry, for example, is a master at working Congress. I, other the other hand, have lots of experience getting kicked out of Portland City Council meetings (the bastards). So he knows the national scene and I know where most of the good bars are in several cities across America. We’re a match. Unfortunately, I still have to finish seminary and that might be hard to do from the White House. Hopefully, Kerry will get along without me and still win in November (which I’m sure will happen as long as he doesn’t pick some has been congressman as his vp).